Where the Truth Lives: A Reflection & Growth Framework for Listening Across the Adoption Triad

Adoption weaves together many stories. Within those stories, truth often exists in the spaces between perspectives, between what is said and what is felt, between what we know and what we are still discovering.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned through more than two decades of parenting and professional leadership is this: growth begins with reflection, and reflection depends on open, honest communication. Whether in a family, workplace, or community, real connection starts when we create space to speak and to listen, especially when the conversations are complex and perhaps difficult.

When our family came together through adoption, I began drawing on the same tools I had long used in coaching and leadership development. These tools included reflection, open communication, and the belief that growth is always possible. Over the years, these practices have guided how I have navigated not only adoption but life itself. Adoption simply adds an extra lens through which to pause, see, and grow. I have learned, as my husband and I raise our family, that it is often worth pausing to ask: “Is this situation something that needs an adoption lens, or is it simply one of life’s many milestones that we all move through?”

Finding and maintaining balance in life has always mattered to me. When we celebrate milestones, share laughter, or notice a familiar expression or gesture, it has proven healthy to acknowledge how those moments might connect to our children’s biological stories. I once heard that “if you cannot remember the last time you brought up adoption, then it is a good time to bring it up.” Such events do not have to be monumental conversations; they can be as simple as sharing something positive or noticing a characteristic that reminds me of my son's birth family. These small, casual acknowledgments create comfort, normalize connection, and keep conversation open in support of building healthy relationships.

From my perspective as an adoptive mother, there is nothing I want more than to maintain open and honest communication with my children. Over the years, I have found that ongoing dialogue has been our greatest sounding board. When the words were too hard to say aloud, we wrote them in letters, notes, or journal entries that allowed our thoughts and emotions to find their way to each other. Those exchanges taught me that communication is not just about talking; it is about finding ways to connect, even in silence.

Furthermore, making time to celebrate wins and compliment each other when things were going well, or a job well done, was a regular part of our week to stay connected. Research in positive psychology, including the work of Dr. Martin Seligman, shows that people who intentionally focus on what is going well, express gratitude, and celebrate small wins tend to experience greater happiness and resilience.

Through my family’s adoption journey, I have learned the importance of holding joy alongside life’s complexities. We can love fully and still wrestle with hard questions. We can honor one truth without dismissing another. One of my favorite reminders comes from author Annie Duke, who writes, “When we listen to one side, we don’t just lose perspective, we lose truth.” That insight resonates deeply. Listening to all voices across the triad—birth families, adoptees, and adoptive families—broadens our understanding and reminds us that no single story tells the whole truth. We need each other in order to see the full picture.

Recently, I asked my niece, an adoptee, how she sees her own story. Her words reminded me again of the power of both/and. She said, “Adoption has given me a foundation of gratitude and resilience. Meeting my biological family helped me see how both nature and nurture shaped who I am. Adoption is not one-sided; it’s the weaving together of love, sacrifice, belonging, and second chances.”

What encouraged me most in our conversation was realizing how far adoption has come, how much more openly we can now speak, without fear or hesitation, about all parts of our stories. Honest dialogue about both the gifts and the challenges creates deeper understanding and connection. Her perspective is a living reminder that when we create and hold space for multiple truths, we do not just honor one story, we begin to see the wholeness that adoption, at its best, can hold.

In another conversation, my friend Katy Kinirons Mejia, a birth mother who is also parenting two adult children, shared how reflection and growth have shaped her own healing. Years ago, she placed twins for adoption. In the early years, each visit with her children and their adoptive family brought both tenderness and peace. “Their joy heals my pain,” she told me. “With every visit, I’ve gained more perspective.”

Seeing her children grow and embrace their adoption stories has been profoundly meaningful. She has always wanted them to know that no topic is off-limits, and that adoption is something they can talk about openly and honestly. Her younger children, the now-eleven-year-old twins, speak with remarkable ease about their stories. Her older children often reflect on how their connection with the twins has brought them deep joy.

She closed by saying, “These moments remind us that healing continues through openness, and that reflection is not a one-time act; it’s a lifelong practice of listening, loving, and growing together.”

In my current studies at the University of Pennsylvania, one of the early lessons that deeply resonated with me was Dr. Martin Seligman’s PERMA model in positive psychology.
PERMA stands for Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment, the five essential elements that support human flourishing.

When I view adoption through this lens, I see how each area helps us hold space for both/and experiences across the triad:

• Positive Emotions remind us that joy and gratitude can coexist with tenderness or uncertainty.
• Engagement invites us to stay curious and present, even when emotions are complex.
• Relationships remind us that belonging grows through openness and connection.
• Meaning helps us integrate the many truths adoption can hold: love, loss, growth, and renewal.
• Accomplishment celebrates not only outcomes but also the quiet progress of reflection, communication, and courage.

The PERMA framework offers a shared language for understanding how birth families, adoptees, and adoptive families alike can flourish. It reminds us that growth and reflection are not about choosing one truth over another but about making space for both to live side by side.

Today, there are more resources than ever to support each of us in our unique journeys within the adoption triad. We owe it to ourselves, and to those we love, to seek out that support whenever we need it. Adoption-competent therapy, thoughtful self-help books, and meaningful workshops or webinars offer valuable perspectives and tools for reflection. Whether through professional guidance or personal exploration, seeking help is a sign of courage and a commitment to growth.

Over time, I’ve come to think of this as a quiet framework for living and parenting:
Reflect + Grow = Live Fully.  It is not a program or a process, it is a daily mindset that helps us stay curious, grounded, and open. The more I reflect, the more I recognize how much emotional weight we carry, old stories, assumptions, expectations, and fears that no longer serve us. Processing and moving forward is not about ignoring the past; it is about making space for what matters now.

I have come to recognize that not everyone in the adoption triad has had the opportunity to connect with all three sides. For some, that door remains closed, or only partially open. And for those whose stories unfold differently than they once imagined, there is still beauty to be found in the growth that comes from acceptance. Yet there is still room for healing, hope, and growth. Living fully does not depend on having every answer or every relationship; it depends on the courage to let go of regret, sadness, or unmet expectations and to make peace with what IS. In that acceptance, we create the space to live more fully, wherever we stand within the triad.

Regardless of how families are formed, we all want to feel seen, heard, and connected. We all want to belong. Whether we are parenting through adoption or simply living through change, the ability to pause, reflect, and grow can transform not only our circumstances but also how we relate to each other, and to ourselves.

If something in these words stirs a thought or opens a new perspective, consider it a beginning. We are all still learning. When we create space to reflect and grow together, we give each other the gift of living more fully, with honesty, heart, and hope.

Author's Note

What’s one thing you can do today, or this week, to live out this simple framework: Reflect + Grow = Live Fully? It might be as simple as a phone call to someone you love and haven’t talked to in a while, scheduling time with a professional to work through some questions you've been holding, or writing a letter to let someone know you are thinking of them and appreciate them. Each small step is an act of reflection, growth, and living more fully.

Contributor Contact Information:
Katy Kinirons Mejia – Birth Mother
www.givingmore.life