Talking to Children About Their Parent’s Substance Use: Strategies for Foster, Adoptive, and Kinship Parents
Many foster, adoptive, and kinship parents may, at some point, may be providing care for a child whose parents have experienced substance use disorder (SUD). As children grow, parents will likely need to engage with them in conversations about their birth parent’s SUD. This can feel like a challenging situation. Foster, adoptive, and kinship parents have to acknowledge the birth parent’s behavior and the feelings children may have about it, while showing compassion and empathy and, when appropriate, helping children maintain their relationship with their birth parent. As an article in Adoptive Families explains, "Talking about birth parents’ drug or alcohol abuse with a child isn’t easy, but you shouldn’t avoid the conversations or even postpone your talks for too long. Sharing accurate information about substance abuse in children’s birth family is as important as sharing any other information you have about them." (1)
Parental substance use plays a major role in many child welfare cases and is a common reason for removal to out-of-home care. Over the past two decades, these cases have steadily increased.
REMEMBER: These conversations will look very different for children at various ages and stages. There are several key points that can help serve as a guide as parents have these conversations:
- It is natural that adoptive, foster, or kinship parents might feel anger towards the child’s birth parent. Try not to bring this to children’s relationships with their birth parents. (2)
- As much as possible, address children’s birth parents and their SUDs with compassion and a lack of judgment. (3)
- Lay the groundwork for these discussions with children at an early age and then, as children grow, if necessary, help them manage expectations. (4)
- Adoptive Families recommends that one common thread throughout these conversations can be a focus on safety. Focusing on safety and a child being removed from an unsafe living situation can help children understand the situation in a concrete way. Additionally, having these conversations in an ongoing fashion will continue to keep children safe in the long-term and informed in making future decisions. "[They need] to know that [their] genetic history may put [them] at a higher risk for developing substance problems, particularly if [they start] using during adolescence." (5)
There is no way to predict when these conversations will occur, what will prompt them, or the direction they will go. The L.E.A.D. acronym, offered below, is one way that parents can consider their role in these conversations and in children’s understanding of their birth parent’s SUD.
L.E.A.D.
Kinship, foster, and adoptive parents have the opportunity to be a LEADer for their child in navigating discussions about their birth parent’s substance abuse.
- LEARN. Learn more about substance abuse and its impact on child development. Ensure that the information is grounded in facts and research and does not come from stereotypes or media depictions. For more information, see How Substance Use Disorders Affect Family Systems in Foster Care and Adoption and The Impact of Parental Substance Use Disorder on Child Outcomes.
- EDUCATE. Along with educating oneself, parents can also help their family, the child’s teachers, and others interacting with and caring for children to understand the unique emotional, social, and developmental impact of parental substance abuse, including how to meet the child’s needs in a trauma- informed way.
- ADVOCATE. Parents are also children’s most important advocate. Foster, adoptive, and kinship parents can become knowledgeable about and seek out support and resources in their area. These may range from mental health services to learning supports such as special education, to peer support groups. They can also advocate for ways to maintain children’s connection with their birth parents. If this is not possible, parents can help carve out alternative paths, such as using a new email address to share photos or providing summaries of how the child is doing.
- DISCUSS. Just as there will be many conversations with children about their adoption stories, there will also be opportunities to participate in conversations to help children understand and process (in an age-appropriate way) their parents’ SUD. These conversations may not always be easy, but, as outlined above, they are an important part of a child’s healthy development.
Resources
(1) Keck, G.C. (n.d.). Explaining a birth parent’s drug or alcohol abuse. Adoptive Families. https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/talking-about-adoption/talking-about-birth-parents-drug-or-alcohol-abuse/
(2) Creating a Family. (2019). Open adoption with addicted birth parents. https://creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/relationship-with-addicted-birth-parents-in-adoption-fostering/
(3) Ibid.
(4) Ibid.
(5) Keck, G.C. (n.d.). Explaining a birth parent’s drug or alcohol abuse. Adoptive Families. https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/talking-about-adoption/talking-about-birth-parents-drug-or-alcohol-abuse/
