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A Better Life

My name is Angela and I chose adoption. I am originally from St. Louis. I was born and raised there.

I took the test, and I was in shock. Like, this is not happening, what about my future? Complete disbelief.

I automatically thought, “I need to get an abortion.” I think once I slowed down and thought it through, I knew in my heart of hearts I could never go through with it. So I was left with the other two options of parenting or adoption.

I knew that I wasn’t ready to parent. I knew that she deserved the best possible life and I knew that I couldn’t give that to her. So I kind of knew from the beginning that I would place for adoption. If I were to parent, it would be very selfish of me because I knew that I couldn’t give her what she deserved.

Going out in public was hard for me, even though nobody knows who I am. It was just…people looking at me. I was very self-conscious of that. Emotionally, it was a horrible nine months. And I don’t think this makes sense, but I think once I finally held her in my arms, it kind of clicked that I am giving her the life that she deserves.

You know, they always say that that motherly instinct kicks in. You never really understand that until it actually happens. Whoa! It is like…from another world. It’s so much love and emotion and excitement and maternal “I want to take care of you forever.” But I knew that I had already decided on an adoption plan and I knew that I was going to stick with it because I had to think of her future.

So when it was time to say goodbye, it was really hard. I actually did a lot of journaling to help me process my thoughts. That was definitely the hardest moment. One of the hospital attendants was wheeling me out to take me home and he said, “Do we need to go to the nursery to get your child?” And I said, “No.”

But I knew that I was putting her in better hands.

I want her to have the strength and courage and tenacity to go after her life. And I think, growing up in the family that she is, that she will absolutely have that. She’s—at 8 years old—very self-confident, so I think that won’t be a problem when she gets older.

I give her a birthday present every year and, here and there, gift packages to let her know I’m thinking about her. And she always sends me thank you notes and drawings.

I have never regretted placing my daughter for adoption. It is singly the best thing that I’ve ever done. I’m not going to say that there aren’t hard times, but every time I think of how she’s flourishing—and she’s got two parents, she’s got a little brother, she’s got this huge extended family—that immediately takes away any of the pain that I’m feeling. I’m very happy that I placed for adoption.