Why Understanding Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity and Expression (SOGIE) Matters for All Parents: A Guide for Assessing and Supporting Adoptive Parents

As a child welfare professional for the past 27 years and a parent for the past 21 years, what I have come to understand about preparing caregivers for fostering and adoption has evolved and changed drastically. Years before I became a parent through adoption, I assessed and advised others as they grappled with their journeys to parenthood and all of the lessons and uncertainties that it can bring. Yet nothing humbled me more than experiencing those things firsthand.

Parents, myself included, often carry a litany of expectations about what parenthood will look like, only to quickly learn that parenting is not about us. Whether you care for a child from birth or adopt them at 17, children bring their own personalities, traits, interests, opinions, goals, and personal identities. I now understand that it is our job to support children as their stories unfold, not to fit them into a mold of what we imagined when we first started dreaming of parenthood. From what hobbies they gravitate towards, to their habits and mannerisms, to the clothes and hairstyles they prefer, to their chosen social circles, to dating partners, to school or career goals and even the names they wish to be called. Experienced parents know that children’s paths are entirely and wonderfully their own and are nearly entirely out of our control.

Indeed, young people today are challenging traditional paradigms about sexual orientation, gender identity and expression (SOGIE) in ways that are new to many of us. As adoption professionals that are responsible for assessing, preparing, and counseling parents to ensure a supportive and safe environment for the children we place, it is imperative that we include information about SOGIE as part of our agency education.

States and agencies receiving federal funds for foster care will soon be required, by law, to turn their attention to creating intentional plans that ensure conversations are had with families around their willingness and capacity to provide placement for children with diverse SOGIE. This is due to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families’ recent publishing a final rule, effective July 1, 2024 entitled “Designated Placement Requirements Under Titles IV–E and IV–B for LGBTQI+ Children.” It is my contention, however, that these conversations are crucial to have with all pre-adoptive parents, including those intending to complete private infant adoptions or intercountry adoptions, in addition to foster care adoptions, with the knowledge that all children benefit from increased awareness and comfort in talking about SOGIE with their parents across their lifespan.

To start, here are some basic, foundational facts to open up the conversation with prospective adoptive parents and those coming to us for post-adoption services:

1. Everyone has a SOGIE.
2. All human development unfolds on similar paths, but the combination of identity elements is unique for every individual.
3. Gender identity emerges early in childhood (ages 3-4) and sexual orientation emerges by puberty.
4. Lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender, and gender nonconforming individuals exist in every culture and have existed throughout history.
5. For individuals who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning (LGBTQ+), feeling safe and having their SOGIE recognized is essential to their well-being.

I want to focus on the last point as we wade into the challenges and possible arguments we hear from parents who, for religious or personal reasons, may adopt the stance that they cannot support or condone their child’s particular SOGIE.

The Family Acceptance Project is an evidence-based support model created to decrease health risks and increase well-being for LGBTQ+ children and youth in the context of their families, cultures, and faith communities. Materials and videos provide focus on finding a common language around the universal desire —no matter what our personal beliefs may be— for our children to be safe and healthy by decreasing rejecting behaviors, no matter how ambivalent a parent may feel about their child’s SOGIE.

A 2020 national survey done by the Trevor Project representing the experiences of over 40,000 LGBTQ+ youth between the ages of 13-24 in the United States, shares the impact of supportive adults who display accepting behaviors on young people’s physical and emotional well-being and safety amidst some sobering statistics:

• 1 in 3 Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and Questioning (LGBTQ) youth reported that they had been physically threatened or harmed in their lifetime due to their LGBTQ identity.
• 40% of LGBTQ respondents seriously considered attempting suicide in the past twelve months, with more than half of transgender and nonbinary youth having seriously considered suicide.
• 29% of LGBTQ youth have experienced homelessness, been kicked out, or run away.

BUT

• 13% of youth who reported high levels of support from family, friends, or a special person reported attempting suicide in the past year compared to 22% of those with lower levels of support; and
• Transgender and nonbinary youth who report having their pronouns respected by all or most of the people in their lives attempted suicide at half the rate of those who did not have their pronouns respected

According to research published in Children’s Rights’ 2023 factsheet, 30.4% of children and youth in foster care identify as LGBTQ+ and 5% identify as trans, compared to 11.2% and 1.17% of youth not in the foster system, and “while many LGBTQ+ youth enter the child welfare system for the same reasons as non-LGBTQ+ youth, 44% of LGBTQ+ youth in state custody report they were removed, ran away, or were thrown out of their home for reasons directly related to their identity”. Some of these youth have experienced this rejection and abuse from their adoptive families.

Young people with diverse SOGIE need to know that the adults caring for them, in both short and long-term placements, will acknowledge and respect this aspect of their identities, even if they struggle to understand it. The positive impact of an affirming adult cannot be overstated, nor can the importance of LGBTQ+ competency among service providers in order to avoid re-traumatizing young people. Understanding the relationship between an individual’s SOGIE and their health, social and educational outcomes is essential to our efforts to achieve safety, permanency, and well-being with them.

Armed with this education and open discussion, our next task will be to provide an assessment of a prospective adoptive parent’s willingness and ability to provide a safe and affirming placement for a child who may have identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community at the time of placement or many years later in the case of parents adopting young children. Below are some sample questions to better assist you in addressing this part of the home/family assessment:

1. What do you feel your comfort level will be with speaking with your child about healthy sexual development and gender identity/expression, including LGBTQ+ identities? If you aren’t sure or aren’t comfortable, are you open to receiving more training or support around how to have these conversations?
2. An adolescent’s exploration of their own sexual orientation and gender expression or identity can change and evolve over time. As a parent, how do you envision supporting a child in your home whose view of their own sexual orientation and gender expression may develop or change as they get older?
3. How would you manage your own feelings about parental expectations that may not be met when raising a child with a different SOGIE than you had expected?
4. How would you challenge discriminatory behavior, bias or disparaging statements by family members or individuals in your community towards your LGBTQ+ child?
5. How familiar are you with LGBTQ+ resources/supportive environments in your community that could support you and your child?

Social workers should be prepared with local community resources and trainings to share after this conversation, including webinars, videos, and information focused on supporting parents of children in the LGBTQ+ community, such as what is available through Strong Family Alliance (a program of PFLAG). Strong Family Alliance gives parents accurate information, insights, ways to keep their child safe and healthy, and encouragement to lead with love and solve problems over

time. Additional resources for parents can be found at the Family Acceptance Project7, and the Human Rights Campaign’s All Children All Families (ACAF) online learning archive. 8 Finally, the short article, “Tips for Parents of LGBTQ Youth,”9 is a helpful fact sheet that can be shared with families from the perspective of a medical professional.

If the initiation of a discussion about the affirmation of a child’s SOGIE across their lifespan is met with verbally offensive or disparaging remarks, ridiculing, or lack of willingness to discuss or explore how a child would be treated or affirmed in the home, the agency must determine the potential physical or emotional risk associated with placing a young child or a child with an unknown SOGIE in that home. With LGBTQ+ youth overrepresented in the homeless population – it is estimated that lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LGB) youth make up 7 to 9% of the general population10 but 29% of youth experiencing homelessness11 – social workers are tasked with doing what we can to prevent rejecting behaviors which contribute to the numbers of adopted youth who run away or have been thrown out of their homes by parents who pledged to care for them unconditionally. There are many challenges and barriers to educating parents about the importance of decreasing rejecting behaviors even when they may struggle to accept or understand a child’s SOGIE. Likewise, there are also barriers associated with implementing robust training for staff, and more inclusive policies and practices and advocacy. Lack of financial resources and staffing, as well as resistance from government entities, religious organizations, donors, board members, or staff can impact agency efforts to provide affirming services. However, even small steps can make a significant difference in the lives of the children and families we serve. Respecting the dignity and humanity of our children, no matter how they identify, and encouraging parents across a spectrum of cultural, political, religious, and personal beliefs to do the same, is the first step.

For child welfare professionals and leaders seeking to deepen their knowledge and practice with LGBTQ+ children and families, the Human Rights Campaign’s All Children All Families (ACAF) program offers free and open access to a multitude of online resources and technical assistance.12 For example, recorded and live staff trainings range from subjects such as “LGBTQ+ Considerations for Safety Plans” and “LGBTQ+ Inclusion: What It Means For Your Work With Youth,” as well as staff assessments. Additionally, collaboration with HRC staff and other participating ACAF agencies across the country is invaluable to helping agencies recognize attainable goals and make plans to implement them.

While “perfect” parents do not exist, neither do “perfect” child welfare or adoption agencies. The best we can hope for, for both parents and agencies, is to acknowledge what we do not know and to remain open to learning and evolving. Our children are depending on it

Resource Organizations

For LGBTQ Youth, Families and Supportive Professionals

The Family Acceptance Project ®
https://familyproject.sfsu.edu
A research, intervention, education, and policy initiative to prevent health and mental health risks and to promote well-being for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer-identified (LGBTQ) children and youth, including suicide, homelessness, drug use and HIV — in the context of their families, cultures, and faith communities.

• Find Support by State: https://trainings-theinstitutecf.umaryland.edu/lgbtqfamily/map.cfm

The Trevor Project
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
An organization dedicated to ending suicide among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning young people through crisis services, advocacy, research, peer support, education, and public awareness. · Crisis Services: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/crisis-services/

Human Rights Campaign
https://www.hrc.org/
An organization that fights to make equality, equity, and liberation a reality for all lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer people through advocacy for equity-based policies and legislation, programming that increases understanding, visibility, and support for the diverse LGBTQ+ community, and advancing LGBTQ+ inclusive policies and practices in schools, workplaces, hospitals, communities and beyond.

PFLAG
https://pflag.org/
A national organization that supports, educates, and advocates for LGBTQ+ people and those who love them. With more than 350 chapters in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states.

• Find support: https://pflag.org/get-support/
• Strong Family Alliance: https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/
• Resources for helping children come out and helping parents become informed supporters and allies.

The National SOGIE Center
https://sogiecenter.org/
A national organization that provides a centralized site for accessing resources on providing culturally responsive care to children, youth, young adults with diverse sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression (SOGIE) and their families across systems, including child welfare, juvenile justice, mental health (including school mental health), substance use systems, and housing and homelessness.

Education & Training

For Families & Professionals

Resource Database: LBGTQIA2S+ Resources, Children’s Bureau
https://www.acf.hhs.gov/cb/lgbtqia2s-resources

Resource Site: LGBTQ Youth & Family Resources, Family Acceptance Project:
https://lgbtqfamilyacceptance.org/

Guide: Supporting LGBTQ+ Youth: A Guide for Foster Parents, Child Welfare Information Gateway
https://api.childwelfare.gov/resources/supporting-lgbtq-youth-guide-foster-parents/

Article: Relationships and Sexuality: How to Support Youth in Foster Care and Adoption, Families Rising
https://wearefamiliesrising.org/resource/relationships-and-sexuality/

Fact Sheet: LGBTQ+ Youth in the Foster Care System, Children’s Rights
https://www.childrensrights.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/CR-LGBTQ-Youth-in-Foster-Care-2023-Fact-Sheet.pdf

Video: SOGIE, CORE Teen
https://jwp.io/s/OdjCr9cU

Online Learning Library: All Children – All Families, Human Rights Campaign https://www.thehrcfoundation.org/professional-resources/all-children-all-families-online-learning-archive

Article: Tips for parents of LGBTQ youth, Johns Hopkins Medicine https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/tips-for-parents-of-lgbtq-youth

 

For Professionals

Resource Database: LGBTQ, Child Welfare Capacity Building Collaborative https://capacity.childwelfare.gov/search?search_api_fulltext=lgbtq

Resource Database: All Children – All Families: LGBTQ+ Resources for Child Welfare Professionals,Human Rights Campaign
https://www.thehrcfoundation.org/professional-resources/child-welfare-administrators
https://www.thehrcfoundation.org/professional-resources/all-children-all-families-lgbtq-resources-for-child-welfare-professionals
https://www.thehrcfoundation.org/professional-resources/all-children-all-families-online-learning-archive
Webinar: LGBTQ Cultural Competency for Adoption Professionals, National Council For Adoption https://adoption.talentlms.com/catalog/info/id:195

Toolkit: Support Child Welfare Agencies in Serving LGBTQ Children, Youth, and Families, Child Welfare Capacity Building Collaborative https://capacity.childwelfare.gov/states/resources/toolkit-agencies-lgbtq-children-youth-families

Recorded Training: Creating LGBTQ Affirming Agencies, Child Welfare Capacity Building Collaborative
https://capacity.childwelfare.gov/states/resources/affirming-video