Policy and Law: Mutual Consent: Testimonials

Received July 10, 2008

Three days after our daughter turned 18, without warning of any kind, her birthmother called her. Her mom and I, who were at home at the time with our daughter, were completely taken by surprise, had not prepared ourselves or her (who had been with us since she was three days old and whom we had told about her adoption at a very young age) for such a shock, and we immediately felt “left out” of any decision-making that should have taken place for this unplanned event. In short, we felt like a bomb had gone off at our house that afternoon. We later discovered that our daughter’s birthmother had illegally obtained access to a sealed court record containing our names and address – that’s how she knew how to find us. Of course, she underhandedly waited until our daughter was an adult to make the phone call – that way, we could have no say in the decision. Suing the birthmother (and the county court) for our breach of privacy was simply out of the question – we felt that would damage any relationship we could have with her.

Bottom line: birthmothers and birthfathers should not surprise adoptive parents or their biological children in this manner, just as adopted persons should not surprise their birthmother or birthfather in such a manner. Most adoptive parents are very reasonable people, and at the very least, should be consulted by birthparents before “ambushing” them like this – after all, it’s the adoptive parents who have raised, provided for, nurtured, and loved their adopted child all of those years – prior notice and consultation is a courtesy owed to the adoptive parents.

-Anonymous